Since I could hold my head up high
And it's been awhile since I first saw you
And it's been awhile since I could stand on my own two feet again
And it's been awhile since I could call you
And everything I can't remember
As fucked up as it all may seem
The consequences that I've rendered
I've stretched myself beyond my means
Always best to start out with lyrics.
Where to go from here. My life is on the verge of breaking, I am at a crossroads, and I'm not sure which path to take. On the one path, it would lead me down a comfortable road, knowing what would eventually come of it. Down the other, I will find out how far the rabbit hole actually goes. (I love the Matrix and Alice and Wonderland, but that's besides the point). I can't decide which path to take, I want them both, if i could have two me's, that would be great, then perhaps I wouldn't be faced with such decisions. Or the way of my life is to always have such dilemmas and I'll never be able to escape them. If someone could just point me in the right direction, maybe they're both the right direction, and it doesn't matter which one I choose, I guess I'll never know.
I love that when I'm drunk, I want to discuss the universe. I feel that I should stop my drinking habit, that perhaps it's mixing incorrectly with my medications, and creating this surreal world inside my head where I have the two paths that I spoke of earlier. I could try not drinking for awhile, see where that leads me, and maybe I'll be in love again.
Example: If you've read my blog previously, you will understand my position on not going to a christian church. Over the summer, I was taken off of a medication, and put on a new one, while on this new one, I wanted to go to church, I wanted to spend more time with my parents (I love my parents, and I enjoy spending time with them, but my desire to hang out with them was way high). Another time during the spring/summer when I was on another medication, I wanted to end things with my boyfriend, I wanted things to be completely over, just to throw away four years of my life, in a single moment. Now I'm back on another medication (perhaps the same one from the last time I wanted to end things, my doctor wanted to try it again with a combination with another medication to see how they may work for me). I've only been on this medication for about two weeks, and the whole time I've been smoking and drinking, two things I normally do not do. I feel that doing said things have led me to my current state of mind, in which I feel there is a crossroads.
Solution: Stop drinking for a month, no smoking for a month, stay on my prescription medication and see where that leads me, and in a month, I'll know what exactly needs to be done. Well maybe not exactly, I'm don't feel that right now in my life I should be making life altering decisions. I'm not sure how this medication will coincide with my mind and body, or if I want to stay on it. I feel like there will never be an end.
Please feel free to suggest something, share your thoughts and opinions. I am a fairly open being.
Cheers!
