Another year older, some would say wiser. I feel invisible, my existence doesn't concern others. They do not need me, nor do they depend upon me to survive. God? Where is God? I need a shoulder to cry on, but have lost them all through the years. Perhaps I drive people away? The friends I've had through life, have somehow disappeared, and I can't figure out where these people, my friends, are going. Even with my closest friend I feel distant, things with my boyfriend are sour, at the age of 22 I am falling apart. Medication, sickness, low-self esteem, depression, what the hell is wrong with me? Why have I never been happy? Sure there have been times, moments of happiness, but never a true happiness, never consistently happy with anything or anyone. Why not? Are other people happy? Is happiness even a real thing to experience? Am I going mad? These questions and more are bouncing through my head, reminding me that I never stop thinking, I over-think, I complicate, I destroy. Where is my sanity? My joy? "Fight for your life...fight for your joy" he says. Who am I fighting with? Why fight? Why can't it simply exist in my world? It's almost as if my life is like "a wisp of smoke", I'm lingering in the air, and just get swatted out of the way, pushed to the side. "Change it" he says, how can I change it when I cant find the strength to get out of bed in the mornings?
*womp womp*
~T
