motivation

I've recently cut a lot of ties with people in my life, and I'm working towards being okay with this. Friendships don't always last forever, that is something I need to understand, people let you down. It's depressing to sit and think about, looking back at all the fun times I had with soo many people, but then i think about all of the really crappy times I had with those people, the hurt feelings, the self-centered-ness of it all, and I don't miss it, and I know that I am better off. I'm getting married soon, MARRIED---to the man I love, my best friend. I'm so happy that I have the rest of my life to spend with him, and even though we've been through ups and downs, and even though things aren't always perfect, I wouldn't have it any other way. I really enjoy not having to deal with the "he said - she said" nonsense, I LOVE being drama free, its amazing. Not only dram-free but crazy free, besides my own crazy, which is enough to deal with, trust me. :)

SO I graduate in May, but I'm losing motivation for school. I hate homework, writing papers. I need motivation. I can't seem to think about anything else but wedding stuff.

I need sleep. I have to be up in 6 hours. Crazy.


<3

death and taxes

The past several years have been trying for me. I suppose that only makes me stronger, but losing someone, even someone that you didn't see all that often but loved is a difficult thing to cope with. I want to understand the meaning of life. the meaning of death, and what is to come. I guess that's why I am a philosopher, constantly reading, constantly thinking...hoping for the best, but coming up with answers a lot of people don't want to hear. In retrospect I've accepted this, I understand that people aren't always going to like my propositions, my opinions. I feel more and more that I am slipping into skepticism, but again, I'm okay with this...is this wrong? 

Another thing, IF you, me, or anyone else is a "true believer", (lets define true believer, as someone of the Christian faith who believes that Jesus is the one and only savior of the world), and say this "true believer" really thought they were what they claimed to be, but in the back of their mind, have a back up plan, "well, if the world ends, and I'm wrong about my faith, that's okay"....is this person still a "true believer"? This question has really bothered me. I suppose because of my feelings towards god, in my mind and heart, I believe myself to be a christian, however I still think other ways are possible, I don't feel comfortable saying, "hey, you're not a christian, so...sucks to be you". Is this wrong? Does this make me not a christian? or even a skeptic? 

Lately I've been telling those people that I care about the most that I love them. Something I usually reserve for my parents, fiance, sister, and grandparents. But with so much death and loss, I want people "leaving" knowing that I love them, and that I care. I really feel that it is important. 

I hope to have more answers someday...for now I guess I'm left with my thoughts...and yours. 

-Trisha

i'm sensitive

This is probably not the best post, but when are my posts really awesome? Anyways, if you don't like what I have to say, get the hell out. 

I'm in a sea of people yet I feel alone. This has to be the bipolar talking, it just has to be. 2-3 weeks ago i felt great, I was happy, I was planning my wedding. But now I try to find reasons to just get out of the house. I'm such a sad person, a lonely person. I'm going to get to the end of my life and have nothing to show, but then again, who says we have to have something to show at the end of our lives? 

People want to be your friend, but is that what they really want? Aristotle said we were lucky if we only had one or two good friends in life. I feel this is true. 

I have so many mixed emotions right now, I'm so compliant. Fuck. I want to feel something, I'm tired of being apathetic. Towards my life and the people in it. 

The past week I've drank every night, mostly alone. I really don't want to slip back into my old habits, but the alcohol makes life easy. 

Sometimes I don't think the people in my life realize how sensitive I am.

I just want peace of mind. I want to feel something again.


Jewel is my go to when I'm sad.
It just makes me want to make you near me always
And when you look in my eyes
please know my heart is in your hands
It's nothing that I understand, but when in your arms
you have complete power over me
So be gentle if you please, 'cause
Your hands are in my hair, but my heart is in your teeth
And it makes me want to make you near me always

here i come ethical egoism

Fuck it. So much for being happily engaged. I'm miserable. How in the hell can I expect to be getting married when I don't want to be alive? I don't want to kill my self, but I'm sick of being here. There really isn't a point to life, it's bullshit. Why can't I have something normal in my life? Just the slightest bit of normalcy would be nice, I suppose that's too much to ask for. Don't get me wrong, I LOVE being different, standing out, I take pride in it, but I can't find anyone that I connect with, a friend who really understands me, a significant other who actually wants to spend time with me. and if you're thinking.."god, she's so bitchy", you're exactly right, I am..and I have earned the right to be, so FUCK you too.

Whats the point of being someones friend when they're just going to push you away? Do you keep trying? I want to be a friend, but I feel that the straining of everyday life, my crumbling relationship, and my daily dose of craziness...this ship is sinking fast.

As for Love? What the hell is that?! Loving someone for the rest of your life, their life...until one or both of you die. Fuck that. I don't want to be committed or tied down. I'm over it. I don't believe in happily ever afters, not any more.

I hate you. and really i don't have you, but take some kind of fucking interest in me god dammit!

I need to get the hell out of here. i think I'm slipping back into my alcoholic lifestyle..and to my surprise, I'm okay with it.


Fuck religion. Fuck being happy. Here I come Ethical Egoism. 

"And it feels, it feels like trading brains with an imbecile... for real.
Yes I feel emphatic about not being static
and not buying philosophies that are sold to me, at a steal.
Just when you thought it was safe to think,
in comes mental piracy, NO!
What I'm looking for,
cannot be sold to me.
I wish they all would stop trying
cause' what I want and what I need,
is and will always be free."

tears stream down your face

And high up above or down below

When you're too in love to let it go

But if you never try you'll never know

Just what you're worth

Lights will guide you home

And ignite your bones

And I will try to fix you

Even though I am getting married..and even if I have someone who loves me...I still feel down. It's something I struggle with on a day to day basis. I suppose that's what happens when you're bipolar.  I can't seem to focus on anything. It's hard just writing this damn blog. >.< Even though I'm around so many people, I still feel alone. I try to make myself feel better by acting like everything is okay, convincing myself if I seem happy to others, eventually I'll make it there. -Don't get me wrong, I'm excited about getting married, however I still feel this way. 

Today in one of my classes, we were discussing Justice. Two distinctions were made, a person being Just in everything they do, OR a person who is not Just, but appears to be Just to everyone. I feel that I'm a mixture of both. There are things I've done wrong..but I feel no remorse...and as long as people think I'm Just...I don't care what I do. >_>

I'm so tired of being in school and it's the second week. I just want to get the hell out of this place, I need a change. 

I also need a hug or two. 

~T