here i come ethical egoism

Fuck it. So much for being happily engaged. I'm miserable. How in the hell can I expect to be getting married when I don't want to be alive? I don't want to kill my self, but I'm sick of being here. There really isn't a point to life, it's bullshit. Why can't I have something normal in my life? Just the slightest bit of normalcy would be nice, I suppose that's too much to ask for. Don't get me wrong, I LOVE being different, standing out, I take pride in it, but I can't find anyone that I connect with, a friend who really understands me, a significant other who actually wants to spend time with me. and if you're thinking.."god, she's so bitchy", you're exactly right, I am..and I have earned the right to be, so FUCK you too.

Whats the point of being someones friend when they're just going to push you away? Do you keep trying? I want to be a friend, but I feel that the straining of everyday life, my crumbling relationship, and my daily dose of craziness...this ship is sinking fast.

As for Love? What the hell is that?! Loving someone for the rest of your life, their life...until one or both of you die. Fuck that. I don't want to be committed or tied down. I'm over it. I don't believe in happily ever afters, not any more.

I hate you. and really i don't have you, but take some kind of fucking interest in me god dammit!

I need to get the hell out of here. i think I'm slipping back into my alcoholic lifestyle..and to my surprise, I'm okay with it.


Fuck religion. Fuck being happy. Here I come Ethical Egoism. 

"And it feels, it feels like trading brains with an imbecile... for real.
Yes I feel emphatic about not being static
and not buying philosophies that are sold to me, at a steal.
Just when you thought it was safe to think,
in comes mental piracy, NO!
What I'm looking for,
cannot be sold to me.
I wish they all would stop trying
cause' what I want and what I need,
is and will always be free."

tears stream down your face

And high up above or down below

When you're too in love to let it go

But if you never try you'll never know

Just what you're worth

Lights will guide you home

And ignite your bones

And I will try to fix you

Even though I am getting married..and even if I have someone who loves me...I still feel down. It's something I struggle with on a day to day basis. I suppose that's what happens when you're bipolar.  I can't seem to focus on anything. It's hard just writing this damn blog. >.< Even though I'm around so many people, I still feel alone. I try to make myself feel better by acting like everything is okay, convincing myself if I seem happy to others, eventually I'll make it there. -Don't get me wrong, I'm excited about getting married, however I still feel this way. 

Today in one of my classes, we were discussing Justice. Two distinctions were made, a person being Just in everything they do, OR a person who is not Just, but appears to be Just to everyone. I feel that I'm a mixture of both. There are things I've done wrong..but I feel no remorse...and as long as people think I'm Just...I don't care what I do. >_>

I'm so tired of being in school and it's the second week. I just want to get the hell out of this place, I need a change. 

I also need a hug or two. 

~T