Nirvana

I feel everything I want to say comes out the wrong way, like word vomit. Most always unintentional, still seems to make me feel stupid after I've spoken. Why can't I forgive and forget? Get over how I was raised? Why am I so FUCKING pissed about it? I feel like I've been lied to my entire life, how the world began, who is god, what is a soul...questions like those, I was told not to ask. "Keep your questions until after Sunday School, then come talk to me about them" <---reactions from various Sunday School teachers growing up. Why can I not ask questions? Why was I not allowed to ponder? >_> Time and time again I found myself sucking it up, "keep on keeping on" or "just give your all to Jesus", don't get me wrong, there is NOTHING wrong with practicing Christianity, however, it is not my cup of tea, it does not sit well with me, well not all of it at least, or how it's taught,  I suppose what aggervate's me so much about the ordeal of growing up is that I never had a choice, my parents thought they were doing the "right thing". But I dont believe it was the right thing for me, to each their own.

I wish we were born with the capacity to choose our own lifestyle and belief system.

Would that not make things in life so much easier? Knowing already what you believed in? Why do we have to have faith anyways? Is there a purpose to this life?

In my personal beliefs, this quote from the Buddha is engraved onto my heart. 

"Believe nothing, no matter where you read it, or who said it, no matter if I have said it, unless it agrees with your own reason and your own common sense."

 I'm more of a diversified being of belief systems. I wish I knew how to refer to myself, or the name of the god I pray and hope to, but I do not. These are things I fear I will never know. Honestly, I used the word "fear", but I really don't fear that I will never know the answer, at least "not in this lifetime".

I want to be impartial, objective, open-minded when it comes to religion and the ways of others. I want to learn to accept them just as they are, in hopes they will accept me just as I am. "Love thy neighbor as thyself", treat others the way you want to be treated. I truly want this in my life, I want to reach Nirvana. 

  

Perhaps I'm more Buddhist after all. No matter the title of my creed, I know what I believe.

~T

I love spring.

just sleep

Sometimes I want to tell you all my secrets. Well not all of them, but the things in my life that bother me, hurt me. Things that I have a hard time accepting and

Why don't I?

Maybe I'm afraid of what you'll think? Embarrassed of who I am? I really don't have a reason.

I have speculations, I have theories, but when I've tried explaining my theories, my thoughts, my soul to others, they've laughed me out of the doorway, shrugged me off, like one of those annoying beetles you find in your home every summer, tried covering my feelings under the rug.

Now, if you think I'm wining, I am, if say I'm "bitching", you're correct. I have the right, this is my blog, don't read it. :) Moving along. 

 Things in my life right now are a bit, complicated. Things with Michael are great, the cats are doing well. School is very stressful, I've been very sick the last few months, one thing after another really. Dealing with new medications, new doctors, forms to fill out, bills to pay, jobs to find..etc..

Don't get me wrong, I love life. It's beautiful, however there are times when I feel so hopeless. <----that's depressing huh? I'm sure you've stopped reading by now. But "the show must go on". 

One of my mentors recently said this to me..." Decide the kind of life you want to live and set some clear goals..."
I'm thinking about the kind of life I want to live & what goals I want to reach. 

~T

When you try your best, but you don't succeed
When you get what you want, but not what you need
When you feel so tired, but you can't sleep
Stuck in reverse

And the tears come streaming down your face
When you lose something you can't replace
When you love someone, but it goes to waste
Could it be worse?

Lights will guide you home
And ignite your bones
And I will try to fix you