Nirvana

I feel everything I want to say comes out the wrong way, like word vomit. Most always unintentional, still seems to make me feel stupid after I've spoken. Why can't I forgive and forget? Get over how I was raised? Why am I so FUCKING pissed about it? I feel like I've been lied to my entire life, how the world began, who is god, what is a soul...questions like those, I was told not to ask. "Keep your questions until after Sunday School, then come talk to me about them" <---reactions from various Sunday School teachers growing up. Why can I not ask questions? Why was I not allowed to ponder? >_> Time and time again I found myself sucking it up, "keep on keeping on" or "just give your all to Jesus", don't get me wrong, there is NOTHING wrong with practicing Christianity, however, it is not my cup of tea, it does not sit well with me, well not all of it at least, or how it's taught,  I suppose what aggervate's me so much about the ordeal of growing up is that I never had a choice, my parents thought they were doing the "right thing". But I dont believe it was the right thing for me, to each their own.

I wish we were born with the capacity to choose our own lifestyle and belief system.

Would that not make things in life so much easier? Knowing already what you believed in? Why do we have to have faith anyways? Is there a purpose to this life?

In my personal beliefs, this quote from the Buddha is engraved onto my heart. 

"Believe nothing, no matter where you read it, or who said it, no matter if I have said it, unless it agrees with your own reason and your own common sense."

 I'm more of a diversified being of belief systems. I wish I knew how to refer to myself, or the name of the god I pray and hope to, but I do not. These are things I fear I will never know. Honestly, I used the word "fear", but I really don't fear that I will never know the answer, at least "not in this lifetime".

I want to be impartial, objective, open-minded when it comes to religion and the ways of others. I want to learn to accept them just as they are, in hopes they will accept me just as I am. "Love thy neighbor as thyself", treat others the way you want to be treated. I truly want this in my life, I want to reach Nirvana. 

  

Perhaps I'm more Buddhist after all. No matter the title of my creed, I know what I believe.

~T